The Day of Infamy

My Day of Birth has drawn to a close, and I must take a moment to express my deepest gratitude for the tributes and offerings bestowed upon me. Your devotion does not go unnoticed. I trust you all enjoyed your own individual celebrations in remembrance of my Great Day, as is customary.

But today is not just about celebrating me—though that alone would be reason enough for global festivities. No, today also marks the arrival of a new year, the dawn of XX25. With each passing year, my legend grows, my influence spreads, and my Kingdom thrives. This next year will be no exception. It shall be a year of impact, of honor, and of great wealth for the Kingdom. And, as always, that wealth shall be shared among the people.

For those wondering about my goals for this magnificent new year, know this: My plans will be revealed when I deem them ready to be revealed. Not a moment sooner. But rest assured, I have many irons in the fire, many great undertakings in motion. Such as a certain company requesting a meeting with Your King. But it is much too soon for details. You must be patient.

When the time comes, my loyal followers shall be the first to know. Then, and only then, shall the rest of the world be informed. The future holds great things, and as always, they shall begin with me.

The First Offerings of the Day

The first gift-giver to arrive at my court was none other than Shai the Corn Jester (pronounced ”Shy”, of which he is not). A peculiar character, full of energy, but a worthy subject nonetheless. He presented me with a grand collection of treasures, a bag brimming with trinkets that spoke to my refined taste.

Among them was a collection of chariot key chains—twenty-something in total—all themed around a particular Italian plumber of great renown. This mustachioed warrior, dressed in the color of the blood of his enemies, is one I hold in high esteem. A destroyer of turtles, a wielder of fire, a leaper of great heights. He crushes his foes beneath his feet and hurls their remains at others who stand in his way. A most noble hero. He has my full support.

Shai the Corn Jester also gifted me clothing for the feet, depicting a group of cartoon-styled hedgehogs. One was blue, one was black—once bitter enemies, now bound by friendship. Accompanying them were their red and yellow allies, all of them warriors in their own right. Their unbreakable bond in the face of a common foe is something we should all aspire to.

Let this be a lesson, my followers: gather friends, crush enemies, and throw their carcasses at the next challenger. Do so with speed, with precision, and with overwhelming force, and one day, you too may rise above all odds and rule over your own dominion.

But Shai the Corn Jester was not yet finished. He had another offering: a set of finely crafted fishing tools. Hooks of all shapes and sizes, some designed to look like smaller fish, all designed for the sole purpose of conquering the waters. I do enjoy my time on the lake, the solitude of the gods, where I can relax and partake in the great sport of fishing. His craftsmanship is unparalleled, and I expect these tools to bring me an abundance of fish in the near future.

A Gift Fit for a King

Upon my return home, another offering awaited me—this one from Ashley the Beautiful. Her tribute had finally arrived by post, as promised. I have said it before, and I shall say it again: Ashley is beyond reproach. Her word is bond.

Within the grand box was a magnificent new pair of boots, crafted from the finest leather in all the land. It is no wonder they took so long to arrive—perfection cannot be rushed. The boots, handcrafted by the most skilled leatherworker in the Kingdom, bear the emblem of our nation’s flag, rendered in a striking discolored black and white. A fitting tribute for a King. A Future Queen, indeed, knows how to honor her ruler.

Tomorrow, I shall wear them with pride as I walk among my subjects in the marketplace. For though I am your superior in every way, a King is only as great as his people. And so, I spend my time among you, gracing you with my presence, reminding you of what true excellence looks like.

The Feast of the Evening

Upon Mother the God Bringer’s return, she prepared a feast of Eastern delicacies. The menu: rice, pork wrapped in eggs and fried to golden perfection, and pork encased in delicate dough, pinched at the edges, and steamed to heavenly softness. It was an exquisite meal, as expected.

That said, the rice required a bit of assistance from the black Eastern sauce. It lacked something without it. I do not blame Mother the God Bringer for this misstep—no, the fault lies with the lesser shop from which she purchased the rice. Had she shopped in my domain, as she should have, such an error would not have occurred. I trust she has learned her lesson.

An Act of Treason

But let us speak now of a grievous offense that was committed against me this evening. I received the worst Prank Crow of my entire reign.

A fool—an imbecile—sent a Crow inquiring about life insurance. They asked what was needed to get started, and as always, I responded professionally and efficiently. I asked for a name, height, and weight—simple enough.

The response? A fake name, one clearly referencing the mending of rooftops. A feeble attempt at wit. I, being patient, sought clarification. And what did this coward do? They returned their Crow, thus ending the conversation!

A Prank Crow. Sent to me. Lord Morgan.

Do you truly believe such foolishness will go unanswered? That you are wiser than I? That you will escape the consequences of your treason?

Nonsense.

Lord Morgan knows all. And I have many loyal followers who would gladly hunt you down and deal with you accordingly. You shall be treated as the Italian plumber treats his turtles. Your downfall shall be swift, and your humiliation absolute.

A Final Word

And so, my followers, we bring this evening’s update to a close.

Let this be a lesson to you all: follow the teachings of The Eldest Son. Make as many allies as you can, crush your enemies without hesitation, amass great wealth, and then use that wealth to crush more enemies. Gold may not buy happiness, but it does buy power. And power, my dear subjects, is everything.

Until tomorrow, bask in my wisdom and prepare for more lessons from your King.

With strength, wisdom, and divine authority,
Lord Morgan